Gendo's Impact
by Despite
Summary: An experiment gone wrong, a wife and a mother lost. Gendo's resolve to protect their son weighs heavily on his sanity. Those around him are slowly pulled into the vortex of his despair.
1. After Contact

Disclaimer: I make no claim to owning any of the fictional characters referred to within this document.

* * *

It was an ignominious sight, had anyone been there to observe it.

Gehirn's chief scientist, a distraught white lab-coat and jeans man lay unmoving on an unkempt double bed, having had the foresight only to remove his shoes. He lay curled in the foetal position on the rumpled bed, hard Asian features bordered by a not-quite-receding fringe of black hair.

He pushed his hands against his closed eyes, applying as much pressure as he dared. Trying to block the visions.

Under his breath, he muttered quietly to himself, "Yui..."

Another breath. "Oh, my dear Yui..."

Like breath itself, "...Yui..."

Pushing his head hard up against the pillow of the double bed, which so recently had felt the heat of two bodies, his anguished cries were absorbed into the dark and otherwise silent bedroom.

"No, Yui no..." the grown man groaned. The tears had mostly having run out, cheeks now lightly crusted with salt. The back of his throat felt burned and bruised, the pain that triggered a hollowness that started between his eyes and somehow descended deep into his chest. A shattered core dissolved by a devestating blow.

Exhaustion set in, calming his fevered mind to a disheveled slumber. He rolled over, feebly reaching out to his wife's side of the bed in his stupor. Blissful oblivion was briefly attained, only for him to wake enough to wonder, then to remember.

He convulsed bolt upright in the bed. "No...!" he gasped, feeling the cold sweat on his brow. Gendo held a hand to his mouth to help stifle the dry retch that threatened to consume his body. Gagging, he barely contained a mouth of saliva that his renewed hysteria brought forth. Settling into a mournful sob, Gehirn's Research Coordinator and Technical Director covered his head with his pillow in a vain attempt to see out the night.

Several eternities more of tortuous stupor, a shrill (and fiendishly chirpy) sound tore Gendo from his hellish reverie. His mobile ring tone sung out for attention, as if the world still existed outside of his grief. Sitting up, he wondered in a stupour what he should do for a moment, before grabbing it from his bedside. He stared at the caller ID.

**AKAGI, NAOKO**

Naoko. 'What could she want?'

_Stupid cow, she's no use to me. She's not Yui!_

A deep breath allowed a sane thought to prevail. 'Calm down. She's a friend...Yui's friend...we had her over for dinner a few nights ago.'

A fugitive whisper. _Yui cooked hagfish stew that night..._

An unhinged murmur. _She babysat Shinji on Saturday night so that Yui and I could..._

Gendo cleared his throat before accepting the call. "Hello?"

[Hello, Gendo? So sorry to bother you...but I had to check on you.]

_Yui's not here right now..._

"Yes, uh, hi. I'm...ok. Well. I am."

[Of course...sorry. Look, really I called about Shinji. I remember when I found out about Keisuke and the plane accident, I...I didn't look after Ritsuko the way I should have. So...I thought I could take Shinji for you for a little while.]

"Uhm, well I...I...Shinji is...I think he's still sleeping. I put him to bed...a while ago."

_How long ago was that, anyway?_

[Oh my, I hadn't realised the time...well, sorry to bother you. I just got home. But, my offer stands. For tomorrow, I mean. And afterwards as well, of course.]

"Yes, well. Thank you, Naoko. We appreciate...I appreciate it. Can we talk tomorrow?"

[Yes, of course.]

"Very well. I should let you sleep."

[Of course. We're all exhausted after...Please remember, we're all here for you, and again, we're all so sorry.]

"Yes, of course. We all are."

* * *

"Hmmph."

Gendo glared with contempt at his alarm as it buzzed the start of another working day. Of course, he had watched the minutes tick up to the trigger moment.

With a flick he switched the bleating machine off. Standing, he took a moment for long and strenuous stretch. With a grimace, he considered his immediate prospects. At least now he could follow the morning routine, etched into his memory from years of office life. His autopilot let Gendo's fevered mind forget for a while, going through the motions of showering and dressing and only faltering momentarily as Yui's customary breakfast was not prepared; no matter, he switched to the "Yui's at a conference or long-run experiment" scenario.

Making his own toast, miso and tea and consuming it mechanically, he walked to Shinji's room.

Carefully opening the door, he looked in at the still slumbering toddler, rolled onto his side in his purple-and-green cot. Repulsive as the colours of the gift were, it had given them a challenge to make the room's colour scheme work. They had relished the task, taking to it with zeal and creativity. Yui and he.

"Shinji..." he whispered. _Shinji, your mother's gone..._

Cradling the babe in his arms, he grinned a pain-filled grin as he jostled the waking boy, tears streaking down to flavor his mouth with salt and regret.

"Your mother loves you, Shinji."

_You must never lose anything so important to you..._

Gendo's brow squared and his jaw hardened as he set his resolution.

"I'm sorry that we have lost her, she is still so precious to us." 'To me.'

_I will spare you such miserable a fate as this, my son._

* * *

A labcoat-clad Dr. Naoko Akagi greeted Gehirn's Technical Director as he entered the test chamber, all business and computer tablet in hand. A countdown timer listlessly continued to count up since the incident; +13d 00:23:36 and counting. The panic and adrenalin-fueled anguish had died down, the smell of fatigue and terror extracted by the air conditioning. While inevitably unkempt, the laboratory was once again returned to a place of work and research, but some precious aire of joy and verve was missing.

"Doctor. Any progress with the core?"

She nodded. "Some. We're staring to think that the pilot's proximity to the core had to do with it."

There was no need to clarify what "it" was.

Gendo fixed a steely eye on her. "Explain." He ordered. She could feel his skepticism, laced with irritation.

Unconsciously biting her lip, the scientist explained. "The proximity of the A10 link reduces the physical time for neurological signals to be routed between the interface, so...the cycles in the feedback loop get faster..."

"Unitl they start resonating." Gendo supplied, connecting the concepts and finishing the conversation as his features softened. "Well deduced, Naoko."

But Akagi wasn't finished. Calling up a plotting routine on her tablet, she continued. "The ego border...the speed at which the ID boundary was decayed can be shown to correlate with the depth of the pilot's plug."

"I don't see it."

"Neither did I, but CASPAR was able to puzzle out a relationship."

"Indeed. So it was able to identify signal paths resembling vortex shedding...impressive. When the MAGI are complete, our work will advance considerably."

"Well, we do what we can."

"As we must. Very good." Gendo took a moment to close his eyes and rub his temples.

"Oh Gendo...are you alright? You don't look well."

_I'm not well._

The man straitened his shoulders as if caught out. "A lack of sleep. It has been hard to get Shinji to settle."

Akagi nodded sympathetically. "It is difficult to settle others when one is unsettled themselves."

_Unsettled? I am not settled. I'm not with Yui._

"Yes..." he looked meaningfully through the test chamber's reinforced glass windows and past the barriers at the object in the center of the facility.

Naoko followed his gaze and cautiously put a comforting hand on the troubled man's shoulder. "She's still in there. The ego border is gone, but the psychograph is holding steady."

"Is there a way to restore the border?"

"I don't know. Perhaps...perhaps if we could create a suitable physical construct...I'll get back to you on that."

"Thank you. However I need you to concentrate on other things, so I will look into this myself."

"Gendo...I hope you don't mind my saying, but you're taking an awful lot of work onto yourself, and that's just what I'm aware of. You aren't an army, nor a computer. Let us help."

Gendo reached to grasp her hand in his, holding it without looking away from the center of his world. "I appreciate it. Nonethless, we must all be diligent. And patient."

_She is waiting._

* * *

"Ritsuko, one day you will meet a man. It will come as a shock, but I know that side of you as I know myself as a woman. Logical deduction does not always rule in our lives."

Ritsuko Akagi, still dressed in her college getup of slacks, a green sweater and a gold hair band to offset her black-brown hair, rolled her eyes. "Sure, Mom." she answered, leaning against the kitchen counter and continuing to demolish a small box of pocky.

The elder Akagi continued, "As the chaos cuts the strange path, entropy's increase allows things to fall into place, as they should always have done. Man meets woman, but sometimes it isn't that simple. Complementing pairs, every set unique and yet sometimes two pairs are broken and a new combination is realised."

"Mother, you're trying to give dating advice from an eigenvector simile."

"Would you prefer something from a pre-impact television drama? Or perhaps I should advice you to enjoy some college debauchery, like that wild-cat Misato child?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "She certainly isn't dumb, but she knows how to let loose."

Naoko Akagi threw here head back and laughed. "Let loose! That little strumpet gave our Director the finger! She should be gagged and thrown back into that cell."

"She was catatonic for years, Mother!"

"And how do you know that?"

Ritsuko looked away, contrite. "I heard it from some girlfriends." she muttered.

"Mmm hmm, of course Ritsuko-chan. She's a crazy little hellcat, that's what I have heard from my girlfriends. And everyone else at Gehirn seems to agree."

"She's nice enough, not that I've spoken with her very much."

Haughtily, Naoko went on like her daughter hadn't opened her mouth. "Still, I can't believe she's Katsuragi's daughter. He was so devoted to scientific method and following the disparate collection of clues to their bewildering conclusions. Whereas that girl? Well, I never did meet her mother, but...I'm sorry, but I just can't see her doing anything important for the world."

The woman smirked evilly.

"Oh but wait, what am I saying? The world needs breeders now more than ever."

Ritsuko turned away, having to repress the urge to retort by gritting her teeth. The elder Akagi always had the final word. Ritsuko had learned her place too well to continue.

And yet, when were the Doctor's words meant to provoke, and when to manipulate? The girl repressed a shudder and made her way to her room.

* * *

"You should go home."

Gendo rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose to relieve his sinus. "I have not been getting enough sleep."

Professor Fuyutsuki peered over the younger man's shoulder at the computer screen now solely alighting the open-plan office space. The facility was eerily quiet at this late hour. "Headache again? You may need your eyes checked."

Spinning around on his desk chair, he rolled his eyes and smirked. "I do not believe that glasses would suit me."

"I'm sure you'd make them your own."

_Will she recognise me when she comes out?_

With an ironic glare, he changed the subject. "In any case, unless you can explain what this half-starved Slovak meant in this theological monstrosity, I would ask you to leave me to it." Gendo said, gesturing to his screen.

Fuyutsuki sighed. "Doesn't Shinji need you these days? You've hardly been home this last week."

"My sister is currently looking after him. For the moment, I am needed here."

"She can't look after him forever."

_Forever?_

A raised, amused eyebrow. "Are you offering?"

"No. Of course not."

"Then perhaps someone could be persuaded to take him. No-one else but we two can decrypt these manuscripts with anything resembling efficiency."

Fuyutsuki crossed him arms behind his back. "Hmmph. Or figure out which ones actually contain meaning, as opposed to the mad gibbering of an imbecile with a once-deferred messiah complex. Have the Old Men been unable to send us anyone with the necessary skills?"

"It seems that men like us are few and far between."

"Sometimes I think that's a good thing. That passage you sent me was total bunk, by the way. But somehow I think you knew that."

"You've found more than one gem that I've missed. They can't all be good."

The Professor smirked, then let the mirth fade from his face. "Enough, Gendo. Go home, shower, take a walk. Maybe even sleep."

"No, Professor. My work is here. So much is before us, I cannot let this wait."

Fuyutsuki grimaced. "Your boy needs you."

Closing his eyes, Gendo steepled his hands in front of his face as if in meditation. "My boy needs a future. I cannot give it to him from home. It is here that we will forge our new Genesis, and now is when it's exact form must be honed."

"Gendo, calm down. Yui would want you to look after Shinji."

Eyes snapping open, Gendo stood and looked beyond the office walls toward the hidden center of the facility. "Yui is waiting for me, waiting for us to achieve our goals and guarantee the future. She is waiting!"

Taken aback, Fuyutsuki slowly shook his head. "You've lost it, Rokubungi."

_Not Rokubungi. I am Ikari. Gendo Ikari._


	2. After Math

**Author's note -** Despite the fact that Yui and Gendo married before Project E and Gendo took Yui's family name, the Project E staff are used to calling Gendo "Rokubungi" since it helped disambiguate which Ikari they were talking about, and being primarily Japanese would shy away from using given names routinely.

* * *

From the safe anonymity of his civil-servant spec car (white, with styling that was uninteresting 10 years prior), Gendo watched as the train finally escaped out of view.

Closing his eyes, Gendo allowed himself to feel the dulled pain that had settled into his chest. 'For the size of the hole already in my heart, this scarcely makes a difference.'

_Liar!_

'This pain... is no more than it already was. Shinji will be fine.'

_I can't let him get in my way. The scenario is too complex as it is._

He lifted his arm to the ignition key and started the engine. "You'll be safer now Shinji. Safe from the power of Eva." he said aloud, to ward off the silence.

_Safe from my neglect. I can't spend the time to look after him. _

Shifting into gear, he checked his mirrors and signalled.

_I must simplify the equation!  
_

Pulling into the light, mid-morning traffic Gendo Ikari headed back to the Gehirn labs.

"I will keep you in my heart."

_With Yui._

* * *

"To the business at hand, Gentlemen."

It was a grand board room. Polished wood furnishing stained with scent and stain of untold decades of cigars and cognac. Heavy but soft hide couched a myriad of body shapes around the oak table. Thick curtains were drawn and heavy, yellowed lights provided meagre lighting. Just the way they liked it.

A spare, beaked fellow leant in, a glint running accross his thinly rimmed spectacles as he moved. "Yes, indeed. A decision was foretold at this juncture, the scenario beckons us to choose." He enunciated every word with the implied sneer of aristocracy.

"This is hardly a decision. The scrolls tell us that the young fellow is to join us." Grumbled a whitely beareded gentleman of wizened oriental appearance.

The large framed man at the head of the table thumped his cain on the floor. The thick round sunglasses of the blind framed his forehead. "The scrolls tell us no such thing. If we are to do more than observe this scenario, we must be sure of the difference between what is inevitable and what is guided by the hands of man. Of course, they make the distinction unclear."

Beaky sneered and inspected his fingernails. "Far be it for them to be user friendly."

Whitey grimaced. "I've never been comfortable with this paradox of the foretelling. We have no fate but what we make, but this tells us what we make through obtuse hints. Are we any the wiser? In centuries, we have yet to unravel this."

Sunglasses nodded. "That is why we need fresh blood. If young Fuyutsuki was to join our cadre, he would surely aid us in unlocking the encoded secrets that elude us while he and his apprentice stumble in the dark."

"It is his apprentice that interests me."

Beaky interjected, "With Fuyutsuki comes Rokubungi, or Ikari as he now calls himself."

"Is this the true foretold decision then? To accept one or the other?"

"No. Fuyutsuki may be young by our standards, but he is past his prime. The decision is to accept Ikari into this council, or not."

Beaky stared at Sunglasses. "The apprentice? On our council? Surely not."

Whitey frowned. "Though impressive academically, Rokubungi's pre-Impact schooling was only exceptionally uninteresting. Good at literature, excelled on the debating team, academically well rounded, socially awkward but acceptable."

Sunglasses spoke up again. "Of course, his own account of the Impact years are to be discounted. Impressively, we can find only that he survived and came out a very different person."

"If he can spur plans forward, perhaps it would be well. Of course, we will have to dispose of him if he does not join us." Beaky mused.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps we must keep this lone wolf on a leash. After all, we cannot simply dispose of such talent. Rather we should let them blossom, but keep the secateurs at hand."

* * *

"Professor, I wonder if you have a moment."

Fuyutsuki looked up from the text he was reading. He was greeted by the sight of Naoko Akagi, watching him with her customary intensity. "Yes Doctor, how can I help."

Naoko let herself into the chair in front of his desk, scrupulously kep clear while all other surfaces were hidden under sedimentary layers of paperwork. "Gendo. Does he seem different to you?

The wisened man gave her a knowing look and put his book down. Leaning back in his chair, he nodded. "Indeed. He's long been a driven man, but a dozen stallion couldn't hold him back from his work now."

Akagi crossed her arms accross her chest and tapped her foot up and down pensively. "It's not just that. Rok-, I mean Ikari is a different man. Colder, focussed to the point of obsession. Maybe beyond."

Fuyutsuki tilted his head. "Under the circumstances, it's hardly surprising. We've both been keeping long hours, so from first-hand knowledge I would say that night and day don't mean much to him at the moment. He's certainly exhausting himself."

"Well, I suppose. But I must admit, I'm a little worried for him. Has he even seen the sun at all this week?"

Sighing, the Professor stroked his chin and looked out of his office window. The sun was setting, he had hardly noticed the day go. "It's been awhile since we've been out for a jog together. Actually...it's been months. Not since..."

It was Akagi's turn to nod. "Since the experiment. There's something else too." At Kouzo's questioning glance, she continued. "He hasn't spoken about his little boy at all since shortly after the accident. To be honest, that's what got me thinking. I was telling one of the new girls about him and his family, when I suddenly realised I couldn't remember the boy's name."

"Shinji Ikari. He sent him away to stay with a distant relative, an educator I believe. I had the impression that it was a short-term arrangement, but now I have to wonder..."

Naoko shook her head sadly. "Now isn't that sad. His own son..."

Reluctantly, Kouzo stood up and stretched. "You're right, Naoko. His deep mourning dear Yui has gone on for long enough."

"So what are we going to do?"

"Hmm. Let's go and find him."

* * *

Project Zero - Journal Notes

Dr. Gendo Ikari

Entry 07/04/2005

The entry on _Naphil_ was hard to find, Kouzo and I had skipped over it back before the Project E days. After days of searching, today I read over it and it does reference a hybrid creature, which through an extreme act of optimistic inference, I take to be what is needed here.

Meanwhile, the nature of the core material continues to defy our every effort to understand it. I foresee that we will be forced to adopt the Copenhagen interpretation and merely observe that the core is, that it behaves in understandable ways and that it offers a means to host _anima quaesitor_, an un-seated soul.

I feel like my everyday struggle is to rapidly craft a piece of a puzzle that I cannot see and is continually being built upon by others, and force my piece to fit. What damns me further is that while I can guess at the picture I would like to build in my mind's eye, the puzzle will inevitably fail to resemble it. I can merely spur things on and keep building, with faint but determined hope.

God I wish Yui were here to help.

* * *

The door to the _Zero lab_ opened. Gendo looked up from his spectral analyser at the disturbance, and greeted his guests. "Futyutsuki, Akagi. Welcome to the Project Zero lab."

Kouzo looked around with professional interest. "You have all the toys here. Like Project E, all over again."

Naoko nodded in agreement. "You could really make some monsters in here. Have you been linked to the MAGI net yet? I'm sure Mechior would happily fire up some neurons to help."

Gendo allowed himself a small smirk. "Actually, Balthasar has already been helping me. Forgive me, I thought you had directed her to me."

Dr. Akagi seemed surprised. "Well, I suppose that's fine..."

"In any case," redirected Kouzo, "we came down here to speak with you."

Gendo folded his arms and let his smirk grow. "Of course, old friend. Speak away."

"Well,..." Kouzo searched for words.

Akagi squirmed slightly. "Yes, uh,..."

"Let me guess. I have been spending too much time working and not enough time looking after my health, mental or physical."

Naoko nodded. "Yes, in a nutshell. You have to take time out, otherwise the mental processes can become affected, let alone physical effects."

"You should take some time out, young man." Kouzo interjected.

Gendo took off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "You're both right, of course." he nodded, replacing his glasses. "But, you both know why I can't stop."

Kouzo grimaced, Akagi looked away.

Ikari continued, "Who knows what hell Yui endures while we scrabble around, trying to put our pieces back into place."

"Gendo..." Kouzo paused, searching for the right words. "You realise of course...that it may not be possible. That Yui's soul may be forever separated from our world by that which makes her, her."

Akagi raised an eyebrow. "The so-called ego-border? We'd have to dissolve the A.T. field to free her..."

Dr. Ikari stared at her intensely. Disconcerted, Akagi cringed. "Is something wrong?"

Kouzo shifted uncomfortably. "Gendo, what is it? Was it something we said...?"

Gendo broke his stare. Looking away, he said "Thank you for your concern, my friends. Now go away. I have to think..."

Turning his back to them, Gendo went to his notes leaving Fuyutsuki and Akagi standing dumbfounded in his lab.

Kouzo turned to Akagi. "Perhaps it's not Yui's lost soul that we should be worried about."

As they turned to leave, Akagi looked back at the engrossed scientist, and sighed.

* * *

"So why don't you just date him already?"

Standing in the kitchen of their city apartment, Naoko Akagi was stunned silent for a moment at her daughter's words. When she recovered, she let out a sharp, "Ritsuko!"

Barely repressing a smile, the teenager shrugged. "Well, you've been going on and on about that man ever since his wife died."

"What?! No I haven't. Certainly not."

"Well, I suppose I'm exaggerating a little." The girl agreed. Then she let the smirk shine. "You've only been like that for the last 5 weeks and two days."

The elder Akagi looked at her daughter aghast.

In response, ther black-haired teen held up her palms. "You're the one who taught me to keep a diary and to always check my facts."

"Ritsuko..."

"The union between a man and a woman is a sacred thing. With the underpopulation problems, we must not be over-scrupled."

"'We must not hold inappropriate scruples.'" Naoko corrected without thinking, her shocked mind running in automatic. With mild horror she saw her progeny' mirth grow.

"Well indeed Mother!"

Recovering a little, Akagi senior tried to respond. "And how goes your under-scrupling, Ritsuko-dear? College is a time of learning."

"Yes, Mother. As a scientist in your image, I have been experimenting, of course. Learning the intricacies of the interactions of Yin and Yong. I mean Yang."

"I see..."

"And of course, to test for interactions I have been sure to randomise the variables, trying non-traditional combinations..."

The mother stared at her daughter, and put two and two and one more together. "Oh my god."

Suddenly, the younger Akagi paled. "I mean...what I meant was..."

"And what did you mean?"

"I...it's not as bad as I probably made it sound just then, Mom..."

Finally gaining control, Naoko just smiled sadly. "It would probably be best if you spare me the details, dear. But...do keep yourself nice."

"Yes, Mother. And...sorry, I went too far."

With a gentle nod, Naoko sat down. "I think you're probably right, but you raise a valid point. I should think about my relationship with Gendo Ikari in a new light. It seemingly has progressed beyond the interest of a friendly colleague, if I'm talking about him that much."

Ritsuko joined her sitting at the table. "Yes, it can be confusing can't it?"

Never one to let anything escape, Mother Akagi gave her a bemused look. "Well, at least we aren't college students anymore, so the wilder stuff is well and truly out of my system. Ah college, the proverbial 'time and place for everything'. And here I thought Misato was just a friend? Yin and Yin?"

"Mother!"

* * *

**Author's comment -** thanks for reading (or even just skimming), it's been a while. Funny how random "follows" and "favorites" can wake up the writer's ego

* * *

**OMAKE**

"Oscar. Ray. Meet Chintzi."

"Uh, hi. 'Chintzi', I don't think I've met a 'Chintzi' before."

"Most people haven't. But, then I've never met a female 'Oscar' or 'Ray' before either."

"From your name I would have expected you to be a girl."

"We all have weird names. We should stick together."

"Yes, and to be consistent lets make sure our culture is thoroughly weird."

\- _Japan is formed after "Impacto"_

**Author's comment **\- yeah sorry, this one was rather weak. I'm out of practice!


End file.
